On a recent Monday morning, in the hecticness of getting the baby ready for one school, Pumpkin ready for another, myself and Mr. G ready for work and Scoop fed, the baby could not be soothed. She didn’t want to be in her swing. She didn’t want to be on her play mat. She didn’t want her paci. We eventually got out the door and in to school and once in her classroom, I took her out of the carseat and placed her on my chest. She snuggled up on my shoulder, nuzzled her face in my neck and finally relaxed. All she’d wanted was a cuddle with momma. And I left her with a lump in my throat, tears welling up in my eyes, to be cared for by someone else.
Every night before bed, I fill and label her bottles. I pack big sister’s lunch. I make sure they have their blankies, their pacis, spare clothes, teeth brushed, hair combed. But as a working mom, I often question whether I am giving them what they really need. Am I giving them enough of myself? There are many benefits to them being in school, and for me to be working, for all of us. But I feel I miss a lot by not being with them all day. When I am with them all day, I am so exhausted I wonder how people manage to do it 24 hours a day, seven days a week. For me, working is not optional, so I hope to be an example for them. I want my work to be meaningful. And I want my time with my girls to be special, to be memorable. Everything becomes a tradeoff, and I wonder if I can truly give my marriage, my work, my babies and myself the attention each deserves.
Starting this blog is a part of that process for me. All my life I’ve been a writer. As a teenager, I filled notebooks with journal entries and poems. I’ve gotten away from that, and I can feel that something is missing. If I can take the time to give myself this creative outlet, I hope it helps fulfill a need that in turn allows me to be better – a better mom, a better wife, a better me.